Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
