Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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