Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
