Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
How does it feel to date your dad?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
