..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
