it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
