I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
