im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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