last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
we're making bets on your personal life
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
