I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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