She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
