i don't plan on having that self control this summer
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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