i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
