Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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