I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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