I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
