i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
