im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
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