8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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