Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
