Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
