Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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