they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
