I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
