oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
