Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
My Sexting was not on an AP level
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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