I will die if light touches me.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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