I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You may now shotgun with the bride
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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