oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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