Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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