the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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