if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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