I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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