I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
