Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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