omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
two words...techno handjob
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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