Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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