how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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