My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
