Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
