my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
