my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize