Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
