so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
