It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
