Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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