im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
