I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
