I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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