I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
