just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
