Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
